Bullies Come in All Shapes and Sizes

This weekend in the midst of confronting our 13-year old about his failure to complete schoolwork, we discovered that he was the ongoing victim of bullying at school but didn't want to burden us with it because - and I admire him for this part - even though it bothered him immensely it was his own fault that he ultimately did not complete his work and was not going to use it as an excuse for failure.

Although his father and I encouraged him with parental rhetoric about ignoring them, how the best revenge was to do well in school, and how he wouldn't have to deal with those people when he grows up, I realize we were steadily painting a picture that falls somewhat short of reality.

Some bullies just never grow up or grow out of their abusive behavior models.

Whether persons of responsibility who wield power without respect, individuals who monopolize every conversation  and would rather hear themselves talk than listen, or someone who forces their beliefs onto others without any regard for opposing views, bullying exists in a real way for all of us. Yes, we all know these people, and we have to learn to deal with them one way or another. Sadly, some of us give in because it's not worth fighting and others of us are so dependent on that person or the part of our lives we feel they have control over that we feel trapped. But we cannot become victims by our own choice, and as parents we should be leading by example.

All of a sudden I had this overwhelming feeling of guilt. After all, here my child was broken down in tears the very first time I was hearing about the problem.  Then I realized something.

My son is becoming the kind of person I can respect - accepting responsibility for things he can control, refusing to obsess over things he cannot, rejecting the easy road of blaming other people for his personal situation, trying to keep things in proper perspective, and refusing to let someone else dictate his behavior or the outcome of his life, all the while exhibiting strength of character in trying to protect those he loves.

I realized I had been teaching him, had been setting an example, and that even though I so often feel that he is not listening to me - he is nonetheless watching and mirroring. By the time he does reach adulthood, I know I'll have so many reasons to be proud of him - and he might just live to get there if he'll start turning in his schoolwork.

Go With Your Gut

We've all had that "feeling". And we've all ignored it. Problem with that is that 9 times out of 10 we come to regret the latter.

I'm right there with you, though. I've always considered myself particularly (almost peculiarly) intuitive. Just flat able to read between the lines and predict behaviors and outcomes. My husband hates it, because it inevitably results in him uttering those three little words that truly are the glue in any marriage: "You were right."

I can quote the excuse my son is going to give verbatim for not turning in an assignment before it escapes his lips. I can compose the response I'm going to get to an email before my in-box dings. I can correctly predict my level of service at dinner before my behind hits the chair at the table. My first impression of someone usually can tell me precisely what lies ahead in that relationship, even though we all have a tendency as humans to be 'more, better and different' than our regular selves when we first meet someone.

I am absolutely not excluding myself here. I'm not even faulting that behavior pattern, because I think it's part of our natural instinct. Not so much in that we consciously conceal our real persona in an attempt to defraud others, but that as we take that first step in a new relationship we're subconsciously tentative, maybe nervous or just cautious even, as to what we're ready and willing to share with that other person.

I'm not really shocked by how many times we blindly accept that surface impression as the real deal, but I am surprised that we reject our own gut instincts when they rear their heads or that worse yet we choose to ignore that friend who tells us what we need to hear (not what we want to hear) when they try their best to warn us that the path we're on is a somewhat dicey one. I know two things about myself in this regard: 1. If I do see the warning signs and I'm dismissing them, that person MUST be meeting some basic need I have in a way that makes me willing to overlook any negatives; 2. I am not able to admit that I did not already recognize there was a problem, because then I have to admit I let myself be deceived.

Whatever the reason, I've promised myself anew to actually listen and not shoot the messenger next time. And the next time someone you trust taps you on the shoulder and imparts politely that you might want to re-evaluate a situation or a certain someone in your life, do yourself a favor - instead of decking them first and asking questions later, ask yourself if you need to take a step back and look at things in a different light.

Who Knew

I turned 40 this year.

I think that was supposed to be a big deal, but immersed in my own vanity my immediate thought was: Damn! At least I don't look my age! Beyond that, bring on the cake and presents. And yes, I still expect my mommy to call and sing Happy Birthday to me... which of course she did as she has every year of my life without fail.

Reveling in the fact that I was entering a new decade of my life, I spent a bit of time assessing where I was and if I was where I thought I would be at this age, or better yet if I was really on target for where I wanted to be by the time I'm say 50. You have to consider that once, much like the Charlie Rich song, I thought I'd be dead by 30 so the fact that I'm still alive and very much kicking is in fact a big deal.

I clearly have at least 10 years worth of social experimentation in life under my belt that I never thought I would enjoy, and quite frankly I've done a lot more "experimenting" than my dear mother could bear being reported to her on one of her occasional calls to me or her grandchildren. Fact is, I decided several years ago that parents are people, too. (Not mine, necessarily, but parents in general.) Disclaimer: children should not be people until they are adults, no longer living under my roof, and can ensure that their dear mother is unaware of their own social experiments.

Seriously, though, life is what we make of it. I've made it my personal goal to explore possibilities, report on catastrophes, and provide lessons on my experiences with reality that continue to make me the girl next door who's unlike any other girl you've ever met. As I hit the "publish" button on my inaugural post, I am filled with anticipation for the coming days and of sharing a little bit of my social experiment called LIFE with you.