Gory, Gory, Social Media

Well, people, it had to happen some day. I made it through 13 years of public school, followed by four years of higher education, and 10 plus years working in the public sector as an unremarkable individual of simple tastes, less than heroic acts, and a majorly anal retentive personality only to be blasted to public acclaim as a 'know it all' with a God complex.

Going about my normal daily activities, engaging in email, facebook, and twitter I posted an incidental and humorous note regarding a co-worker who asked me "WWLD? :-)" the other day. While she was dead serious in her posed question, and while I was well aware of the meaning of the reference, I just smiled back to myself and provided her with a detailed, well thought out solution to her dilemma for which she was sincerely appreciative. I did not contrary to popular belief pound my chest, emit a gutteral 'Aargh!', or experience any delusions of grandeur over her annotation.

I did not for one moment feel like God, desire to be God, or counter myself to Him as anyone's saviour. Yet my 128 character (153, including spaces) bubble somehow conveyed the following message (which I must tell you has been preserved in its original state for your entertainment):

That's is offensive in so many ways , for starters the comparison using that silly acronym of the LORD to you , is almost sacrilegious. Second your acceptance of the "compliment" because of your knowledge and expertise, however you worded it , is a testament to your superior attitude to the rest of us. Believe it or not that was not a compliment , it appears you where made a joke of as portraying a know it all !

I have to admit there was some shock value at first that anyone who purported to be a "friend" in polite society would have the guts to post something like that on my page. My disgruntlement quickly faded to sympathy for the poster, because in their attempt to make me look bad or define for me how I come across to them (and based on their comment they assume to everyone else I know), they only managed to sell the lackluster image of their own abject persona to the entire universe via the Internet.

I opted not to levy a personal attack right there amidst our social circle, initially because I did not want to dignify the remarks with any kind of response. I later decided, however, it would be at best poor sportsmanship on my part to beat them down further after the bang-up job they had already done of debasing themselves. I feel ashamed for that individual to have exposed their character, their lack of refinement, and ultimately their failure to command good grammar, punctuation, and spelling skills. This mostly saddens me because we're not talking about random teens here in a LEET-speak environment. This is a group of educated, professional, 30- to 40-somethings who generally care about how they present themselves.

The bottom line is that this person made a whole to-do about nothing anyway and made themselves look far worse in comparison to any picture they could have painted of me. They completely mistook and misrepresented a social media sound bite, designed for entertainment purposes only, and tried to build it into something way greater... no pun intended... than it ever was. And for what? So people who know me can be swayed by something that reads like it was written by a child trying to use vocabulary they do not comprehend?

As 'honest' Abe once opined: "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt." And in case you are wondering, Abe didn't have a God complex; he was just a smart guy.

Say It Isn't So... No Really

One of my hobbies, unsurprisingly, is the observance of human behavior and interaction. Admittedly for me, it is like a train wreck you just cannot look away from. Meaning I don't TRY to analyze people - their words, actions, interactions - it just so happens I can't help myself.

Do you have ANY idea how difficult that makes it for me to forge and maintain relationships?

One of the first things I make a point to do when I meet someone I can hold a conversation with for more than five minutes without losing interest is to explain to them in the most non-threatening way I possibly can that I will break down everything they say and do... after all I don't want them coming into a friendship unarmed.

Maybe that seems harsh, but it's just reality. People in my life learn really quickly that they may not like what I have to say but that they never have to wonder what I'm thinking. Well, in rare cases I wait to be asked what I am thinking - and even those times are in what I refer to as the 'courting' stage of the friendship.

How do you know I like you - I mean really know that there is enough substance there to entertain me for more than a few minutes at any sitting and that you've become important to me? It's when I stop hesitating to tell you how I feel about something that is highly charged emotionally, politically, or socially. It's by then I feel completely safe.

But I'm not going to kid you or myself on this - there is really very little I won't speak my mind on with someone (even at my job, to my own detriment at times). But in that tender getting to know all about you phase, I decided a better approach was to lay it all out on the table in my online - we'll call it 'dating' playing along with the theme here though that's a misnomer to a degree - profile.

I figure if my new friend is a) desperate enough to be looking at say yahoo! personals and b) can make it through my profile comments without deciding I'm an outright bitch (I can curse, right?) and they still want to contact me... well, I'm about as free to be me as two testicles floating around in a pair of boxers.

Sorry - I don't have a pair to grab when I feel like it so I tend to talk about 'the boys' a lot. Note: This is absolutely no reflection on where my mind generally is, by the way. I'm a very passionate person in all that I do - how I care for my family, how I approach my job, and how I love my partners. Don't get me wrong - sex is amazing... when you do it right. (Don't worry I'm not about to name names - good or bad.)

But I digress.

In building this two-dimensional version of myself, hoping to run off weirdos and sex fiends, and to clearly communicate I am in this for the long haul I include things like... well:

[I decided not to include the explicit verbiage I initially planned - but can it suffice to say I am 110% c-l-e-a-r in my expectations? I know women will trust me when I say this but there are likely men who would want to argue the point.]

Now, maybe you are one of those people who can't read between the lines - I get that - you are the reason I have to write things like this to get my message across! Heck maybe I suck at communicating. But I just don't think anyone can say that I beat around the bush about what I want and don't want. 

So it always comes back then to this nightmare of sociological hell to which I subject myself.

I ask were you just hoping I made all that sh!t up? Maybe you thought you could convince me to change my mind?

Or was it that you thought I was stupid enough to get in bed with you and then you could break the news?!

My life would be so much easier I imagine (I can only guess really) if I lowered... maybe lessened is a better choice of word... my expectations. But you know what - I don't have to! Because I am worth everything I ask for from a relationship.

I just wish people would listen to me when I talk, hear what I SAY and not what they want to hear, and if you're not willing to live up to those expectations, just f**king say so.

There are plenty more options out there. I know I'm only going to find quality in quantity - and you're just one no closer to a yes, babe.

Bullies Come in All Shapes and Sizes

This weekend in the midst of confronting our 13-year old about his failure to complete schoolwork, we discovered that he was the ongoing victim of bullying at school but didn't want to burden us with it because - and I admire him for this part - even though it bothered him immensely it was his own fault that he ultimately did not complete his work and was not going to use it as an excuse for failure.

Although his father and I encouraged him with parental rhetoric about ignoring them, how the best revenge was to do well in school, and how he wouldn't have to deal with those people when he grows up, I realize we were steadily painting a picture that falls somewhat short of reality.

Some bullies just never grow up or grow out of their abusive behavior models.

Whether persons of responsibility who wield power without respect, individuals who monopolize every conversation  and would rather hear themselves talk than listen, or someone who forces their beliefs onto others without any regard for opposing views, bullying exists in a real way for all of us. Yes, we all know these people, and we have to learn to deal with them one way or another. Sadly, some of us give in because it's not worth fighting and others of us are so dependent on that person or the part of our lives we feel they have control over that we feel trapped. But we cannot become victims by our own choice, and as parents we should be leading by example.

All of a sudden I had this overwhelming feeling of guilt. After all, here my child was broken down in tears the very first time I was hearing about the problem.  Then I realized something.

My son is becoming the kind of person I can respect - accepting responsibility for things he can control, refusing to obsess over things he cannot, rejecting the easy road of blaming other people for his personal situation, trying to keep things in proper perspective, and refusing to let someone else dictate his behavior or the outcome of his life, all the while exhibiting strength of character in trying to protect those he loves.

I realized I had been teaching him, had been setting an example, and that even though I so often feel that he is not listening to me - he is nonetheless watching and mirroring. By the time he does reach adulthood, I know I'll have so many reasons to be proud of him - and he might just live to get there if he'll start turning in his schoolwork.

Go With Your Gut

We've all had that "feeling". And we've all ignored it. Problem with that is that 9 times out of 10 we come to regret the latter.

I'm right there with you, though. I've always considered myself particularly (almost peculiarly) intuitive. Just flat able to read between the lines and predict behaviors and outcomes. My husband hates it, because it inevitably results in him uttering those three little words that truly are the glue in any marriage: "You were right."

I can quote the excuse my son is going to give verbatim for not turning in an assignment before it escapes his lips. I can compose the response I'm going to get to an email before my in-box dings. I can correctly predict my level of service at dinner before my behind hits the chair at the table. My first impression of someone usually can tell me precisely what lies ahead in that relationship, even though we all have a tendency as humans to be 'more, better and different' than our regular selves when we first meet someone.

I am absolutely not excluding myself here. I'm not even faulting that behavior pattern, because I think it's part of our natural instinct. Not so much in that we consciously conceal our real persona in an attempt to defraud others, but that as we take that first step in a new relationship we're subconsciously tentative, maybe nervous or just cautious even, as to what we're ready and willing to share with that other person.

I'm not really shocked by how many times we blindly accept that surface impression as the real deal, but I am surprised that we reject our own gut instincts when they rear their heads or that worse yet we choose to ignore that friend who tells us what we need to hear (not what we want to hear) when they try their best to warn us that the path we're on is a somewhat dicey one. I know two things about myself in this regard: 1. If I do see the warning signs and I'm dismissing them, that person MUST be meeting some basic need I have in a way that makes me willing to overlook any negatives; 2. I am not able to admit that I did not already recognize there was a problem, because then I have to admit I let myself be deceived.

Whatever the reason, I've promised myself anew to actually listen and not shoot the messenger next time. And the next time someone you trust taps you on the shoulder and imparts politely that you might want to re-evaluate a situation or a certain someone in your life, do yourself a favor - instead of decking them first and asking questions later, ask yourself if you need to take a step back and look at things in a different light.

Who Knew

I turned 40 this year.

I think that was supposed to be a big deal, but immersed in my own vanity my immediate thought was: Damn! At least I don't look my age! Beyond that, bring on the cake and presents. And yes, I still expect my mommy to call and sing Happy Birthday to me... which of course she did as she has every year of my life without fail.

Reveling in the fact that I was entering a new decade of my life, I spent a bit of time assessing where I was and if I was where I thought I would be at this age, or better yet if I was really on target for where I wanted to be by the time I'm say 50. You have to consider that once, much like the Charlie Rich song, I thought I'd be dead by 30 so the fact that I'm still alive and very much kicking is in fact a big deal.

I clearly have at least 10 years worth of social experimentation in life under my belt that I never thought I would enjoy, and quite frankly I've done a lot more "experimenting" than my dear mother could bear being reported to her on one of her occasional calls to me or her grandchildren. Fact is, I decided several years ago that parents are people, too. (Not mine, necessarily, but parents in general.) Disclaimer: children should not be people until they are adults, no longer living under my roof, and can ensure that their dear mother is unaware of their own social experiments.

Seriously, though, life is what we make of it. I've made it my personal goal to explore possibilities, report on catastrophes, and provide lessons on my experiences with reality that continue to make me the girl next door who's unlike any other girl you've ever met. As I hit the "publish" button on my inaugural post, I am filled with anticipation for the coming days and of sharing a little bit of my social experiment called LIFE with you.